Sunday Morning July 7th

Feeding the Gulls

We drive down the coast until we get just 2 blocks off the main beach of Laguna, and find a side street to park.  Getting slowly out of the car we take in the morning summer air and stillness, knowing that in a few hours the streets and beaches will soon be crowded with the Sunday crowd.  

We make our way through a set of apartment parking lots and down a set of steep steps that are as familiar to me as my own feet.  The beach is Sleepy Hollow, the beach that my Dad and his brother grew up going to every weekend, and he took us to as kids.  

This is our last day in California as a family to celebrate our Dad’s life, and we thought the best way to do that was to bring flower petals from his funeral and sprinkle them in the ocean, a returning to his self, the place that most feels like his true home.  

Ryan, Amy, and Jake are already there, and the 3 of us greet them with hugs and a feeling of sombreness.  This feels like the moment when I actually have to say good-bye to my Dad.  Up until now it is all just check list items, and formalities, a piece of me kept thinking that if we just got through all of ‘the stuff’ we could return to real life where my Dad is still alive.

Erica had collected yellow and white rose petals from the bouquets and brought them in a bag, I have brought food to feed the seagulls, and Samuel brought his camera.  Ryan, Erica and I take the petals and go a ways out on a rock to throw them into the ocean.  I pause, I don’t want to let my Dad go, I don’t want to say good-bye!  A silent tear rolls down my brothers face, and it matches what I feel.  

We are held in time, the same as we were when we little, and playing and laughing on the beach as kids, and yet we are changed by time and life’s experiences.  We each have taken paths that wouldn’t have been guessed when we were young, and yet those are our experiences, that make us who we are today.   Life has been a bit more unkind than we had thought it would be in our naive youth.  We have faced more emotional anger, hurt, and disappointment then we would have chosen, yet it has given us our strength and softness at the same time.  Our Dad was there with us through all of it-  How do you say good-bye?  

We reach our arms up high and throw the rose petals, hoping they will make it into the swirling ocean, some do, some come floating back on us. 

‘I love you Dad’ I whisper as I throw the flowers.  We put our arms around each other for strength, and because we have remembered how much we actually like each other. In the lose of our Dad I feel like I have found my brother again.  I want them both! 

Today is also Shirley’s birthday- our Dad’s mom.  We step down from the rock and get the food to share with the gulls.  When Shirley passed, and her ashes were sprinkled, a gull came and stayed with my Uncle as he threw her ashes, we honour her life also.  

I take a moment by myself, just remembering , as I watch the rose petals gently float down a sand trough and out to the sea.  I want to embrace this one life I have, I want to live it to the fullest.  A shift inside of me has begun and I don’t yet recognise what the call is, but feel the pull with each petal being pulled out.